Jumat, 13 Juli 2018

Be Patient kei

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I really feel upset tonight.
That I choose to not talk and calm down my self.
But like usual, when I really upset then I will end up with cry.

Maybe it's because I'm not patient enough.
Or maybe because I'm not good enough.
That's why I end up upset tonight.

I tried to comfort my self and calm down.

I'm still human, right?
So it is still normal if I feel upset and sad.

Mr Ip is really really annoying today.
He was called me when I was at office, we talk about stuff then for somehow he start make fun of my faith

I never force him to believe what I believe.
Nor that I judge him for what he believe.
But he often make fun of my religion.
And it's not funny.
I usually just let it go, as I don't want to fighting with him.

How I feel about it?
Of course disappointed.
It feels like he being disrespectful at me.
Even if he might be just joking.

He always angry when I ask him about china.
Which usually I just try to find validation from him, about stuff that I read online or I watch on YouTube.

I mean, You don't like people talk bad or make fun about something that precious for you, right?
So that's exactly the same what I feel.

So basically, I already feel upset at him at office.
But I let it go.
I don't want to fight with him.
We don't have much time together, don't want to spend it with anger and argument.

Then tonight, we were on phone.
And he start talk about something.
I have my own opinion on it.

Well, he have his opinion.
can't I have mine?

Not that I force him to agree with my opinion.
I just want him to listen and let me finish talk about my opinion first.
If he think I am wrong, he can correct me after I finish talk.
I never say that my opinion is the ultimate right one tho.
But instead of listen, he just keep cut my word all the time.
It's really upsetting.

Whenever he talk I never cut him off (no matter it's correct or not / I agree with him or not).
I always let him talk first before I say my opinion.

Since he is not listening at all so I think, it's better to not talk and be silent.
It won't be good to talk when I'm upset.

He always talking about woman is useless.
Woman have princess syndrome.
Woman not listen at their men.
Woman not respect their men.

Well, I do agree a lot of women like that nowadays.
But I never being like that.

Never once, I'm not respect him.
I know my place.
He is my leader, I am following him.

Princess syndrome?
Not me.
If I have princess syndrome, I won't give him massage, I won't fold his clothes, I won't do anything for him.
But he know for sure, I'm not that kind of woman.

Not listen at him?
Are you kidding me?
He know for sure I actually listen at him.
If I didn't listen, I won't follow his word.

Stop generalizing all woman.
Just because your friend GF or wife treat them like shit, doesn't mean I will do the same.
Don't ever think if everyone is same.
Their partner didn't respect them then it's their problem.
I have nothing to do with it.
And you have nothing to do with it too.

Good woman know where her place is.
And as you also know, how kids growing it is depends on how their parents teach and raising them.
My parents never teach me to be disrespectful to other.
So I know where my place is.

You know I always respect you.
You know I try my best to treat you well (even if I am lacking in many things).
And you know that I love you so much.

So please, don't be like this.
Stop being annoying ok.


Kamis, 28 Juni 2018

Addicted

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I have new song addiction.
I can't stop listen "brave love - Mi2".
I find this song lyrics very cute.

Actually I was find it accidentally when browse around YouTube.
And this is ost for drama that adapted from one of my fave webtoon "untouchable".
I didn't watch the drama yet actually.
But of course already finished read untouchable long time ago :D.

Btw, I know the lyrics meaning because I find the lyrics translation ok.
Some people misunderstand me, they thought that I know mandarin from Mr Ip.
No!
Even before I met him, I already know a bit of mandarin.
And fact is he never really teach me mandarin.
Well, he teaches me a bit lah.
But mostly I learn by my self!

So nice eh, I learn by my self and he got credit from it...haish.

I read some topic at lowyat forum yesterday.
Some is funny till I can't hold my laugh at office.
There's some topic that fun to read.

Like "do you still give your GF/BF morning text everyday?"
Oh and then also a debate on who said good morning first every morning.
So funny....
I never really think about it until read it.

For me n Mr Ip, we still greet each other good morning everyday.
And who greet first will be vary.
Mostly is him bc his time is 1 hour earlier.
But if he didn't send me one, then I just send him "good morning" text lor. No big deal.

Mostly in forum said if they only did it for first month of relationship and forget it after times.
Well, that's not good guys.
If after a month then lazy to even do morning text, can't imagine how it is after years.
Lazy to meet up perhaps?
Or lazy to listen at your GF?
Gezzz...

And that's why I said Mr Ip is sweet on his own way.
Even this seems like a small matter, but for me it means a lot.
Like he remember me everyday, no matter how far our distance.

And the other topic that I remember is about religion.
So this guy is buddist and he date a Christian girl.
Basically this girl force him to convert and he didn't feel like he want to convert.
Problem is he love her.

For me, I never force Mr Ip to be Christian.
I admit sometimes I tell him if I want him to go to church with me at Christmas.
But it's not that I'm trying to forcing him believe what I believe.
I just want to show him, what I actually did at church.
Just showing only, so he got idea of it.

I believe that religion or faith is very personal.
I won't judge people by their religion.
I don't even care if that person have religion or not, as long as they nice.

Oh but one thing that I request from him.
I won't force him to be Christian.
But I want we get married at church.
That's my only request.
After wedding he can back to usual, I don't mind (I can go to church by my self anyway).
Only for our wedding, I want him to grant me my dream.
I want to get married at church.

Btw, I feel so sleepy now.
Maybe I'll talk here again tomorrow.
Bye bye.

Senin, 25 Juni 2018

Romantic Love

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Been awhile since last time I wrote here.

I'm back from Hanoi already.
It was a very nice experience to travel at hanoi.
Love the vibe (very touristy place), love the food, and love the experience.

There's some stuff that I think Vietnam do well.
Especially to sell their country (I mean selling like advertising) to gain tourist and investor.

And what makes me really happy that I can spend time with Mr Ip.
It's wonderful :).

Maybe I'll talk more about my trip later, maybe not.
But today I will talk about being romantic.

Mr Ip complain that I complain of him being not romantic.

Well, that's the truth anyway...hahaha.
He won't do / said something corny to me,
But he is very sweet with his own way :).

He teach me about a lot of things.
And no matter what, I know he care of me.

I always said to him that I love him so much.
And I really sincere when I say that words.

Mr Ip is a special person for me.
He is important for me.
He is my lover, my brother, my teacher, my advisor.
I feel uncompleted without him.

Btw, few days ago my mom suddenly asking me questions.
She said that me n Mr Ip together for quite long time already, then what the future of this relationship?
She ask me if he is serious with me?

I was a bit surprised that she asked about it. so instead answering, I just walk away.
Well, I do said to her if he is serious in me.
Then I Walk away.

I know why she ask me that way.
I totally understand.
I just don't want to rushing him.
I know he work in it, I trust him.

Btw, sleepy now.
So good nite.

Sabtu, 16 Juni 2018

Don't see what you don't want to see

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I think everyone know if I'm living a simple life.
If I know something will hurt me I rather block it and moving on.
I'm not a person who keep looking at something that make me uncomfortable or hurt me over and over again.

But sometimes, you can't do anything about it.
Sometimes, accidentally you see something that you don't want to see.
And start feeling uncomfortable about it.

It is not like we always have to act like how we feel everytime.
There's a time when we act like everything is ok, when actually it isn't.

I wish I can say more here but I can't.
I see something and I feel really uncomfortable about it.
But for now, I can't do anything about it.
So I put a brave face and act nothing happened.
I just crying out on the shower bc that's the only time I could be alone (my mom with me at the moment).

I keep saying to my self all the time:
Kezia, be brave and don't cry.
At least don't cry now, don't cry here.
Wait till you home then you can cry as much as you want.

Senin, 14 Mei 2018

Why?

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I think by now everyone know about the bomb at Surabaya.
But today I'm not going to talk about it here.

I want to talk about what I see and what I feel.
So I had been invited to my friend daughter birthday.
And idk why saw kids play I feel sayu (idk what sayu in English).

Most of kids there take cared by their nanny, even when their parents present.
Deep inside my heart, I feel like I can do a better job as a parent.
But why am I the only one who came without kids?
Why am I the only one who not married and have no kids?

It makes me feel blue and emotional.
So I just sit in the couch and taking a deep breath.

If you ask me, I always want to get married before my brother.
But seeing the reality, it is not happening.
So I didn't feel excited anymore for wedding.
And I lazy to come into family even except if I have too.
I don't want people seeing me and pity me for not being married at 30.

This is indonesia, not a Western country.
For people here, getting married early is a sign if you are wanted and desireble.
Either the marriage will be ok or not (mentally and financially) it is the second things.
When you reach 30 and remind unmarried, means you are undesirable and just a left over.

Me?
I just pray for the best and do my best for everything.
I want to got married in 2 years.
But that's just what I want, reality can be different.
And as I'm no longer putting high expectations, I hope I won't feel as disappointed when it not happening as I want.

Good night.
Medicine kick me off.
I need to sleep.