Selasa, 20 Februari 2018

Not feeling really well

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I didn't feel really well today.

Yesterday was not really a good day.
Fighting with collegue.
This person really challenge my patience.
And at the moment I still can be calm n less emotional.

But even if I tried to be calm but I am burning inside.
Well, everyone who know me then know if I am not that patient.
And I really try hard to be patient.

I was so upset that I said to Mr Ip if I didn't feel well mentally.
But then, I didn't feel it's right to keep disturbing him with my stuff.
He also have his own stuff to sort out.
So in the end I just said to him that I feel a bit tired.

There's some stuff that happen lately and make me sad (not a work related thing).
But I don't know if I should write it here or not.
Let see, if I become more calm then I may write it here.
I don't want to write an emotional stuff.

You can imagine lah.
I already feel sad, then need to fight with that person.
Even if I look very strong and tough, but deep inside I'm still a very soft hearted person.
It all still make me want to cry.
I just try hard to not cry, that's why I try to calm my self.

I want to be a big hearted person.
But as human, sometimes it is hard.

Need to stop write and go sleep.
Or else I will start crying.

See you tomorrow.

Sabtu, 17 Februari 2018

Today are

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Very nice.

I've been skipping exercise for awhile since got my job.
So, well stop exercise for about a month.
But today I start exercise again :).

I will do it more routinely, at least once a week on Sunday (well, my only day off every week at Sunday actually).
So I can have more energy and not easily exhausted.

I even thinking if I can make it daily (which I can if I want to wake up earlier) but let's stick with once a week first.
I mean for weekdays even though I'm not doing formal exercise, but I do going upstairs and downstairs many times everyday at office.

My desk are at second floor but toilet and water dispenser are both at first floor.
I typically drink a lot of water at office (help me to hydrate my self) and that makes me pee a lot too.
So I going up and down a lot.
Not only to refill my tumbler and pee but also for work.
(I should give Mr Ip tumbler. But I will get upset if he didn't use it or left it somewhere outside and lost it..hmm..)
Well, it kinda can count as exercise anyway.

Oh btw if any of you still don't know what kind of exercise that I did....
I actually only do walking as exercise.
Indonesian rarely walk!
It is not common to see any of us walking.
Even for short distance Indonesian will prefer to ride motorcycle (and that's why there so many motorcycle here).

I usually will walk for an hour continuesly without any rest.
Yes, an hour without any rest.
I didn't recommend this exercise if you want to burn more calories or trying to be slimmer.
If you trying to burn more calories then running is the best.
Run for 15 minutes burn more calories.
I do walking because I just want to be active and fit.

If you are overweight (check your bmi please) and it's been a long time since your last exercise then walking is a good exercise for you.
After a while you can combine with other exercise.
(I also did squat and crunch every now and then).

My BMI now are in normal state.
My height is 162 cm and my weight now is 50kg.
I used to be underweight, only around 47kg.

A lot of people can believe if I actually 50kg.
My body type make me look pretty much thin.
Most of people think if I only weight around 45kg.
Well, people if I am 45kg then you will only see bones and skin. No meat at all.

There was one time when I was really stress and I weight only 44kg.
That was a dark days for me.
I feel totally fail in everything, my personal life was messed up, my work life was messed up.
I was live my live like a zombie, alive but not alive.
I was totally feel unhappy with everything, but I tried to cover it off as I didnt want to make my mom sad.

Ok, forget about it.
I don't want to talk about sad things now.
Even if I didn't feel ok, but let's just focus to talk about exercise.

Anyway, tomorrow I may go exercise again.
But depends on the weather.
If tomorrow morning raining then I will cancel it.
Hey, rain at Indo is always heavy with thunder ok. So don't judge me.
And if I did walk at noon, it will be very hot like crazy.
It's not exercise anymore, but trying to burn my skin.

Then now, I will just chill and watching movie.
Usually at this kind of time it's either Mr Ip call me or I call him.
But, he probably still sleep right now so yeah.
I do miss him a lot.
But he is too busy and have lot stuff to figure out I think, so I won't demand much.
I'll try to be more patient :).

He still text me good morning everyday so I won't complain much.
I appreciate it, bc it means that he still think about me.

Time for movie now, bye.

Kamis, 15 Februari 2018

Hey kamu!

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Yesterday was valentine's day.
I already wrote here if I wasn't expect Mr Ip remember about it.
But for the first time in years, he wish me a happy Valentine's before I did.
Even without any presents, I already feels happy that he remember it.

Today for the first time during this week, he call me.
Well, he travel at place where we have quite big a time difference so I can't call him as I wish whenever I want.

I pick up his call feeling so happy as I miss him a lot.
But then I listen at his voice and it seems like something not good happened.
Then he told me if he didn't feel well.

If you at my situation.
Your partner call you and said he didn't feel well at another country, far from home.
And you both also currently have thousand miles away distance.
Won't you feel worry?

If he is near, I won't talk much.
I will just grab my bag and rush into his place.
I want to see with my own eyes if he is fine.
and if he didn't looks good, I will stay to take care of him.
So that I can feel better.

But with this distance, all I can do is asking how is it? Did he feel ok?
And ask him to see doctor.

But he said if I'm not helping.
The more I ask, the more he get upset at me.
He even said if that's why he never want to tell me stuff.
I only make him upset.
So I stop asking, bc I don't want to make him upset.

I didn't say anything after it.
Lips close tight.
But I cried at silence. Sad for what he said.
Makes me feel so stupid n useless.

Well, let me keep it here only.
I don't want to make him more upset at me.
I don't want we fight for unnecessary things.

New year tomorrow.
Don't want to spend New year Eve with feeling sad and cry.

Happy new year peeps.

Selasa, 13 Februari 2018

What is valentine?

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I'm very busy today (T_T), feels like I want to cry.
Have a lot of emotion going on today.
But whatever let it be.

Tomorrow is valentine.
To be honest, I don't really remember what happened with valentine last year.
Ah, I remember.
Last year exchange chocolate with my officemates.
It was quite fun :).
If only have enough people, I think I want to do it again this year.
But since only few person in my office now, so not fun lah.

Btw, do you guys want to make a guess?
Just guess if Mr Ip remember about valentine or not.
My guess, I don't think he is remember.
He currently on trip so it will be harder to remember about valentine.

It's ok lah.
Every year he also don't remember.
So it is not a new things for me.

If you ask me, of course I wish something romantic.
But it is not a must thing.
As long as he always thinking of me and love me, then that's good enough.
I don't want to demand too much.

He also did a lot things for me, I really appreciate it.

Some people who don't know our story maybe think if our relationship seems very smooth.
But the truth it isn't as smooth as it.
We went through so many things, up and down.
There was also so many misunderstanding and disappointment.
So much tears too.

I have something that I really want to write but maybe not today.
Feels so tired today.

Selasa, 23 Januari 2018

Because I love you

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Been awhile since last time I wrote.
I think nowadays I wrote less and less day by day.
I should start writing more often, as this blog is memories line for me.

First of all I want to share if I already got a job now.
This is my second week at work.

Btw, my title is a bit cheesy.
Maybe not many people know but actually me and Mr Ip are not a cheesy person.
Or maybe he become not cheesy because I'm not cheesy?

Anyway, even though he never really use a poetic or romantic words but he is very sweet man on this own way.

Just like when he was ask me what I will do at my rent room after work.
I was taken the question hard and upset that he kept asked the same question over & over again.
I was already told him if I may just playing with my phone or writing on blog or browsing.
But then I know he was ask bc he is worry I will feel bored at my rent room.

Or other time when he ask me about lunch.
I was quite upset, I feel like he can't understand if I can't cook at my rent room bc the owner didn't allow it.
But then I understand that he ask bc he want to buy me a lunch box so I can bring my lunch at office using the lunchbox.

For other girls maybe it is nothing.
But for me, a simple gesture like this really touch my heart.
I can feel if he is really care of me.
And it's make me feel really happy.

I know I'm not a perfect girl.
As a girl I can be very cocky and I'm not soft enough.
I can be very though and stubborn person.
So to know if there's a man that care n love me, it's really touch my heart.
I really happy.

As on my side, I think everyone know if I love him so much.
He is my lover, my advisor, my teacher, my everything.
I learn a lot of things from him.
And he help me to grow to be a better me.

I wish that I could be on his side more often.
I always feel the most happiest whenever I have him near.
Even if he is upset at me many times when we are near each other or I upset at him.
But I always feel happiest and most comfortable when he is around.

I want to be able to hug him when he is sad / down.
I want to be able to cook for him so he can eat food that he like everyday.
I want to be able to take care of him every single day.
But until this day, we still live far from each other.

People see me as though person.
But Mr Ip know that I actually have soft heart and that I'm a spoiled person.
Only in front of him I feel free to be my self, no need to pretend as strong person.
Because I trust him and he know, how is the true me.

Ah was thinking to write more but can't.
Feel so sleepy.
Can't resist, need to go sleep.