Selasa, 19 September 2017

Tak lekang oleh waktu

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So boring.
I feel like I want to scream out loud.
but I cant.
I feel like I‘m very dumb n hopeless now.
Useless.

I‘m thinking about a lot of things.
And my short term goal is to have new job so I will able to save money.
I need to save as much as I can.

About me and Mr Ip, we‘re good.
Well, of course we still always have argument over stuff but just a normal argument.
There‘s no couple in this world that never argue lah.
But if there‘s any couple that never argue then kudos for you guys :D.

Mr Ip did give a lot of advise and I still digest all of it.
We did talk a lot lately.
Yes, we talk a lot of crap to each other but we also talk about serious thing.
So yes, there‘s a lot of things need to be think of and prepare.

Actually I didnt really feel to write tonight.
I‘m pretty much in bad mood because my free video editor is expired now.
You can imagine after working for hours and hours for edit your video then you find out if it is expired so you cant export it.
Arrgghhh.....
Yes, that‘s why I am kind of bad mood today.

I have stuff that I want to write here but not tonight.
I‘ll just go sleep.

Btw, I miss Mr Ip a lot.
Well, I do say it to him directly too.
We will meet each other at end of year anyway.

Next year I want us to have holiday together if possible.
I want to go to vietnam or philippines or cambodia.
Well, want to go to bangkok too but most likely will go there with fams.
It will be better if he can join actually.

Mr Ip is a very reliable man.
In my family I always in charge to arrange everything.
If I have him with me, I feel in ease.
And that‘s why he always said if he spoil me a lot :p.
Also he can spend more time with me and my family, giving them good impression of him by being reliable.

Or if it‘s too hard, I will just fly to HK/China to see him.
But it is me lah.....
I‘m not really talking about this to him yet.
Just let see lah

My mom change a lot after our HK trip.
I can say that she likes him and accept  him more now.
There was time when she hate him more than anything.
But I always trying to change her mind and talk about his goodness, about good stuff that he did.
Without being overly praising him in front of her.

He is not a perfect person but he have good heart, that‘s what important.
I make sure if my mom know it.
Bc if I‘m overly praising him, my mom will have very high expectation in him.
If he cant fulfill it then it will be disaster for me.
So let my mom know how good he is but I make her remember if nobody‘s perfect, including him and me.

Sleepy....sleepy.
Let‘s talk again later.

Bye.

Rabu, 13 September 2017

Headache

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I got headache tonight.
Just take a paracetamol few minutes ago.
Need to go sleep soon and I wish I will feel better when I wake up tomorrow morning.

I was talk about a lot of things with Mr Ip.
Basically, I ask something to him and he is answering my question.
I just listening into his answer and explanation.
I know he‘s been through a lot of things to be who he is today.
I do feel really proud of him or being a brave & strong person.
And the best thing of all, this great man is my BF :).

I do admit I still need to learn more from him.
I need his guide to grow and be a better person.
Eventhough it seems like I never really listen on him but I actually thinking about all that he said.
Tbh, he is help me to be a better person.
I wont be who I am today without him.
And I do lost without him.

At first I do listen all what he said.
But halfway, I start getting this headache.
So I end up not saying anything (>.<).
I‘m not telling him if I got headache because I don't want him to be worry at me.
And I don‘t want him to nag at me about I need more exercise :p.

I do walking for exercise at least 3 times a week minimal an hour each time.
Other time I will do static bike at home.
So I already try to exercise, just maybe not as much as he did yet.
I feel quite annoyed whenever he start nagging and said I‘m not exercise enough.
Well, I‘m indonesian lor....how many indonesian do exercise as part of their routine?
I still do more exercise than normal indonesian lah (those who rich enough to have gym membership is different level).
So I already did more than what people normally do here.
When I walk, I often got a look from people.
The looking at me like I‘m crazy or weird, just because I exercise (walking around my house).

Oh btw yesterday I surprised that Mr Ip is misunderstand me.
He said to me if he want us to do things together.
Even if it just playing game together or going hiking/exercise when we are together.
I always joking if I wont go hiking with him, I have no idea if he take it seriously.
Well, I would like to go hiking with him bc I love spend time with him.
It is just that we are not living in same place so it is a bit harder.
About the game, I would love it too.
Even if I may pissed him of a lot by doing wrong move or asking too many question, still I want to enjoy stuff with him together.

I love this man a lot.
To the point that I want to take care of him.
I want to cook for him, so he can have home cooking meal everyday.
I want to be his home.
Place where he keep coming back no matter how far he fly.
To be a person that can make him feel safe and comfortable to be him self.
To be a person who will always supporting him (any positive things that he do).
I want him to know that I will never leave him alone no matter what his situation is, so he will never feel lonely ever again.
To hold him tight at night so he can sleep well without worrying about tomorrow.

I‘m not  a smart girl.
I cant earn money as much as I want to.
But I love him and I care at him.

Anyway, this medicine is working.
I am totally sleepy.
Good night.

Sabtu, 09 September 2017

Home

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I should sleep now, bc I need to wake up quite early tomorrow.
But I can‘t sleep so I listening music.
I played so many song that I was listened a lot.
Now, selena gomez - the hearts wants what it wants.
This is my favorite song from selena gomez.

I think I already talk and write about this song so many times here.
First time I listen into these was 2014 before my first big fight with Mr Ip.
I never cant forget how it was feel.
Times goes by but memories about it still fresh in my mind.
I just never want to talk about this, bc I dont want to revive my old wound.

The best part about this song is in selena intro and the lyric (if curious just listen her song lah people).
It‘s fit with the situation back then.
There was so many people telling me things, but I wont listen.
I feel like I wont alive before I got his call.
But when he was finally call me, it was so so cold and painful.
I will never can forget the feeling that I felt that time.

Anyway, I‘m not going to talk about it today.
I want to talk about home.
For me home is not about building.
Home is warm place where you can find comfort from your love one, place where you can feel safe.

Mr Ip always said if he never feel like having home.
Little he knows, but I always want he can feel like he have home when he is with me.

I cant be smart girl like he want me to be.
I know my limit, even if I try my best I will never be smartest girl he ever know.
There‘s a lot of smarter girl than me out there.
But I hope I can be the one who can make him feel warm, comfortable and safe.
I want him to find home on me, something that he never feel before.

I always say to him if I love him a lot.
I don‘t think that he understand it or not, but for me he is someone who really precious.
Someone that I want to take care, someone that I want to protect.
I want to see him happy, bc his happiness is important for me.

But seems like I‘m lacking so much that I always make him disappointed at me.
I still not good enough (T_T).

For now, I still call this place as home.
But later when we are together (one day in future I wish), he will be my home and this place will only be a hometown for me.

Ah~~~
I‘m on my period now.
That‘s why I feeling blue every night.
Hormonal lah kot.

Anyway, I go sleep now. Sleepy.

Rabu, 06 September 2017

當你

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Listening into 當你 right now.
That‘s why this entry title is 當你.

Maybe because pms, but I do feel quite emotional.
Feeling blue.
Feeling sad.
I don‘t know, just feel unwell inside.

I have so many worries.
There‘s so many things going on inside my brain.
I just can‘t express it.

Talk for a while with Mr Ip tonight.
I said to him if I really thankful for what he done for me.
I don‘t know if he understand it but I really sincerely want to say thank you to him.
I also said to him, thank you for make me feel happy.

Even if he make me sad and cry a lot too.
But he did really make me feel happy.

I always feel sorry for him.
I feel so sorry that he have to deal with dumb person like me.
I always can‘t do this, can‘t do that.
I always can‘t afford this, can‘t afford that.
I always don‘t know this, don‘t know that.
I‘m very aware if I am lacking in my ways.

And many times I feel if I‘m not good enough for him.
I don‘t have any single thing that can make him feel proud about me.
I‘m not smart.
I‘m not rich.
I don‘t have sparkling job.
I really have nothing to be proud of.

There‘s so many times he said if i can‘t convinced him.
There‘s so many times when he ask me what I ever had done for him.

And whenever he said all of that, I can‘t answer.
I know whatever that I did, it‘s not good enough.

I feel so sorry that I give him a lot of problem.
I feel so sorry that I only can be a burden for him.
But I never have intention to be a problem for him.

Btw, I was watching something and then I understand something.
At that show there‘s a part where a girl come to the circuit (out of town) for a guy because she like him (he is car racer btw).
And then after the that guy finished practise they went dinner for date.
Otw home she‘s sick, bc the circuit is near sea so the wind is quit strong and cold.

There‘s 2 different point of view in this situation.

For her, she already did a big and bold thing to show that guy if she like him.
she came for him, even if that place is far away, tiring her and even make her sick.
She come for him!
I mean, it is very obvious if she is like him.
No girl willing doing such a thing if she doesn‘t have any special feeling.
And out of all, she enjoyed spend time with him.
But she is not a person that can express her self well so she didn‘t really say things to him.

But for him, he think she is not enjoying the date.
And that she fall sick at that time, it is the only thing that he remember from the event,
Which then lead him into self conclusion if she wont come again to the circuit (bc it makes her sick),
Of course that is unacceptable for him since he is a car racer which spend his life at circuit most of the times, he need a girl who can understand his job.
But she actually never said if she don‘t want to come again.
And she not saying she can‘t understand his job.
It‘s all just in his mind, by his own conclusion.
He didn‘t even thinking that she willingly come to circuit (out of town) is already a huge signal from her that she have feeling for him.
All he can remember is that she fall sick.

From that show (it is reality show btw) I learn if sometimes people may didn‘t get our intention and that people expectation usually high,
Even if for her coming for him is a big deal, but for him it is not a big deal.
To be honest as a girl, I wont spend money and time to go to place that far away if I have no feeling at all.
But guy sometimes can‘t understand it.

it usually will make both party disappointed.
She is disappointed bc her effort seems useless.
And he is disappointed bc she not doing things as he expect.

Well, I actually want to talk a bit more.
But feels so sleepy and tired.
Was crying a lot while writing this.

Good night everyone.

Jumat, 01 September 2017

Wedding and another wedding

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Gosh, so many wedding to attend.
Next week need to attend my cousin wedding at malang (bride side).
Then the next weekend need to attend his wedding again (groom side).
October, one of my bestie (laura) have her wedding.
She just text me by now, telling me if my invitation is at rita place.

I think I‘m change.
Few years ago, wedding is exciting things.
I like to see the decoration, I like to see the bride dress & make up, and I also like it because I can hang out with my friends.

Now....
Getting old. So lazy to go to wedding.
I got stress whenever I got the "when will your turn" question.
Even to think about it already makes me bad mood.

I wish can avoid to attend wedding.
Not that because I‘m not happy to see the bride & groom happy, but I‘m tired to listen the question.
I can‘t answer that question yet tho.
I‘m so damn wish everything easier for me, just like how the other is.
But it is not easy and I choose this hard way.

I never really talk about this topic with Mr Ip.
I don't dare to.
Because I know if it is somehow will lead into argument.
I don‘t want to fighting with him.

I mean, come on guys....
I‘m human, if I said I don‘t want to get married then I lie.
But for the moment, I really have no answer for that question.
Stop asking me the same question over and over and over again.
Stop telling me if I‘m getting old.
I turn 30 y.o next year, yes I know...
I‘m totally aware about it duh.....
Your question not helping at all, it makes me feel more miserable.

I already have stuff in my head now.
I have my own worries.
I don‘t fucking need another thing to be worry for my life.

I will.
Don‘t worry, I will get married someday.
I don‘t want to spend my life alone.
I want to have husband and kids too.
I know my time is ticking.
But no such a question please.
You all don‘t need to ask any question, when the time is comes then I will tell you.

Let me just do what I have to do for now.
Find way out for all my worries.
And finding way how to survive.
I don‘t have privilege like you guys.
I have to, I repeat I HAVE TO follow Mr Ip.
Which means I HAVE TO moving far from my family and living in the place where I got no friends, not talk in my language, have completely different way with the way I‘ve been live.
No marriage is easy, I know.
But at least, you will live in place where you grow up, people speak language that you know, you have your family n parents around, you have friend.
Which I‘m aware, I wont have it later.
Later I will be by my self.
And even if I miss everything, I can‘t go back as much as I want.

If you ask me, am I scare or not?
Of course I am super scared.
When your future seems unsure, of course you will feel scared right?
And that‘s what I feel now. Scared.
But I keep trying and praying for the best.
I believe of I try hard and pray hard, God will show me the way.
I also believe if somehow in the end, everything will be alright.

I know how far I can do it.
And I have confidence if I can do it.
Even though many times my confidence got crush by Mr Ip comment.
But I‘m not giving up yet.
I wish he can give me more confidence, show me the way when I choose wrong way (he did, by scolding n nagging a lot), and have a trust if I can do it.
Then I will feel more secured.

I envy people at youtube that have foreign partner (so shallow right,haha).
Their spouse seems to be trust them.
Even if they cant speak english.
Even if they never have a good job.
Even if they not even ever went abroad before married.
Their husband seems so trust them and have no doubt to choose them.

Ah...I speak far away from the topic.
But yeah, I have a lot in my head.
If you see me laugh and smile, dont get wrong it doesnt mean if i‘m not cry a lot the night before.
I just dont want people feel my negative vibe.
I try to be more positive everyday.

So guys, please dont asking me any question.
I already have a lot in my head.
I wish I can talk about this openly, but I cant.
So I just keeping it, swallow it, and living with it.