Senin, 24 Juli 2017

It's beautiful life, beautiful day

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I still sick.
Last night can't sleep because both of my nose blocked (T_T).

Today, argue and fighting again with Mr Ip.
Huft.... actually I never want to argue or fight with him.
But there's some stuff where make him feel upset at me, vice versa.

He keep saying if I'm not convinced him about how I can survive without him.
I know when I was there, I totally depend on him.
I didn't say it to him but my mom was angry at me bc I become very spoiled once he is around.
Like stuff that I can do by my self, I asked him to do it for me.

But what he and my mom don't understand is I want to feel being spoiled for a while.
When I back at home, I did stuff by my self again.
There's no him anymore to help me do this n that.
That's why when he is around, I want to be spoiled.
It makes me feel that I'm loved n makes me feels like he is care at me.

I know maybe I'm wrong.
But I feel really happy that for a while I can depend on him.
Because I know when I'm home, I need to go back to my reality.
I need to be independent n do everything by my self again.
No matter how hard it is, at home I can't depended into anyone than my self.
And no one will spoil me like he did.

It makes me feel so sad that no one can understand my heart.
And that he said if he can't see how I can survive without him, it makes me feel more sad.
When someone doubting you, it is a very sad feeling.

I understand that if I live there then there's no turning back.
I can't just leave if I don't like it.
And I know it will be very very very hard for me.

I know I'm slow.
I can't understand things faster.
Living there is totally different with living here.
Different system, different people.
I need time to understand the system, time to adapt.
Because everything is very different.

But I do understand his point too. And I also understand if everything change so fast there. I can't use my own timing to survit there.

Actually rather than angry, I feel sad to hear all of this.
Sad that I'm still very weak, very dumb.
Feels like I should try become better.

Ah~~~
Writing this makes me cry.
But at least better than crying when he was called me.
I don't want to be weak in front of him.
I must be stronger.
(I don't want him to insult me/nag at me for being weak).

People can doubt on what I can do.
But I know what I able to do and what I'm not.
I won't let anyone make me feel less.
I know who I am, I know I can.
Not going to be down only because of this.

Minggu, 23 Juli 2017

Unwell and bye bye hongkong

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Been a while since I write here.
And yes, I went to hk.

There's a lot of story about hk that I want to share but probably not at this blog, will write about it at my another blog (tomorrow perhaps so I can post by next weekend).

Anyway I feel unwell since yesterday.
Sore throat, runny nose, cough.
It's like complete package of flu (T_T).
So yesterday was sleep a lot because I take medicine.
Today still take medicine and probably will sleep a lot too.
(The med that I take make me sleepy so much can't handle it).
Hope so I can back normal soon.
Ga mau manja-manja sakit.

I think I'll take a nap after this and will have my lunch after nap.
Need to go to church today.
I want to say thank you to God for everything that happened in my life.
Thankful for happiness, for sorrow.
Without Him, I'm nothing.

No one can force me stop praying and believing.
I will never force anyone to believe on what I believe.
But I will be very angry if there anyone force me to stop praying and believe in God.
Everyone have different believe, I never messed with anyone on it and I expect no one will mess up with me about it too.

Ah....I have so many stories that I want to write here.
But maybe need to take a time and write it one by one :).

Ok lah, I'll take nap.
See ya.

Sabtu, 08 Juli 2017

Random talk

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Been a while since I write here.
I'm still here, enjoying my long holiday...hahaha.

I will seriously start looking for job after I back from my HK trip.
I actually kinda start feeling a bit bored to be at home everyday.
I mean, I used to have a very busy and packed life.
So I kind of missing a busy life (I know I'm weird).

Everyone know, for every trip with my family usually will make me busy.
I am the one who will making itinerary, managing transportation, booking ticket for flight, booking hotel, book ticket for any show/place that we will visit, find place to eat, exc.
In simple word, I usually did everything.

But for my HK trip, I feel in ease.
Mr Ip help me for the itinerary and many things.
I just booked ticket and hotel, that's it.
I won't complain much because I know it is not a simple job.
He is a reliable man so I trust he can manage things when I am there.

Did I already said if I watch pita's life channel a lot?
So pita is Indonesian who married American man.
What I really salute to her is her independent.
She have 2 babies and 4 dogs to take care.
And she can manage house, her kids and her dogs even when she is alone.
Her husband is American soldier (air Force) so he can left home for months to fulfill his duty.

I have a lot of married friends here.
But not many of them as independent as pita.
Mostly are dependent on other family member (parents) or maid.
Well, if working of course can't say anything.
But even for friends that just being housewife, many of them being dependent with maid or parents.
Some other being very dependent with their husband.

I learn a lot from my mom (and now pita too).
To be a wife, to be a mom must be strong.
Can't be too dependent into others in terms of survive.
My dad job was make him out of town for days or weeks, sometimes he left for month if he went to overseas.
And my mom can survive alone when my dad not home.
I know it is not easy but they are my role model.

Back to pita.
One thing that I really salute from pita husband is even when he not at home but he never make her wife feel left out.
Like when she sick, he will order food for her (from overseas) so she didn't need to cook.
And he will ask his staff to help her buy medicine since she can't drive bc she doesn't have international licence yet.
For me, that kind of care is very sweet.
I think for woman, a little sweet things like that means a lot.
Even if you are not giving her expensive stuff (not everyone can afford diamond like celebrity duh) but by helping her doing housework or take care kids will make her day.

I'm not a wife or a mom yet so I don't have that kind of experience yet.
But for me when my man remember things that I like, I feel touched.

You may think I'm dramatic.
But I feel touched when Mr Ip asking if I want eat Korean BBQ or sushi when I at HK.
I feel really touched bc he remember if I like Korean food and sushi.
Means even if I think he may not really listen on what I say, but actually he listen on me.
It is just a simple Lil things but make me feel happy.
I mean, it really make me feel if he care of me.

I'm not good at expressing my feeling.
So when he asked, I just said I don't want to eat Korean BBQ or sushi because I often eat it here.
But actually deep inside I feel really thankful because he is being very thoughtful :).

And I know if he is very busy.
There's stuff that he need to settle.
But he still willing to spend time for me when I visit HK.
I feel really thankful for that.
And that's why I won't complain much about anything.
Well maybe complain a lil bit but I won't be fussy over everything that he suggested.

Anyway, I will start packing tomorrow.
He said I must wear dress and I have no idea about it.
Whenever I travel, short pants + t-shirt is my favorito.
But he said no pants allowed so need to digging my closet.

Need to sleep now.
But before sleep I will drink my ginger tea, still have this cough duh...
I don't want take any antibiotic that's why it takes a lil bit longer to totally recovery.


Selasa, 04 Juli 2017

Decision

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Last post I said if I will make a life changing decision.
And I already make a decision, I'll fly to HK.

I was asked Mr ip about what his expectation on me.
I want to know what he want from me.
And he said he want me to come to HK, so I just do it.

I was always hesitate and afraid about this and that.
But now I don't want to be afraid anymore.
I will do what I think I have to do.
So there will be no regret.

I was also said to Mr Ip that I want us to have same view on what we are.
You know it's need two hand to clap.
So I don't want we have different view anymore.
I even say to him if he want us to be friends then it's ok.
Personally, I will always love him.
And I do say directly to him if I love him.
But I can't force anyone to love me, so that's why I say ask him about it.

I don't want us to be like this forever.
I want everything to be clear, where is this headed.
What the goals of this.
Because I feel like we keep walking and walking without any certain destination.
I want a certainty on what is our goals and how we will reach that goals.
Nothing easy in this world, but let's try and not giving up.
You not giving up on me then I'll not giving up on you too.

To be honest, all this time our communication is not the best one.
There was so many misunderstanding between me and him.
I'm not going to say if I'm a perfect person.
Most of the time I can be very irritating.
That's why I said sorry to him.

He did mistake, undeniable.
But I did mistake too.
Everything that we did lead us into many misunderstanding that lead into many unnecessary argument and ended with many disappointment.
I don't want that anymore.
I want to open new page on our relation.

I said to him if I will try to be better person.
Not only for him but mostly for my self.
I want to improve into a better person.
If I'm being a better person then everyone around me will feel more positive energy from me.
I want to share a positive energy into everyone around me.
Not easy and I still clumsy, but I'll try hard.

I used to never really listen on him.
And he used to never really explain to me.
We both know our mistake and from now on will try to fix it.
He try to explain more and I try to listen.
When I'm not understand, I'll ask.
I will not making conclusion by my self anymore.

On my trip at HK, I wish if I will have a fun trip.
I do miss him a lot.
It's been 3 years since the last time I saw him in person.
Well, yeah he said if he miss me too.
I didn't say he is not sincere when he say it.
But sometimes it's sounds a bit funny.
Because every time he has time, he never really consider to come to me.
He flied to Peru 3 times! For months.
Yet he was spend just 3 days for me.
So yeah, just a bit funny for me if he said he miss me.
Not talking about now lah, I totally understand if he is working and have no time.

Anyway, what was happened is already happened.
Not going to keep remembering things that make me disappointed again n again.
At least now, we are good.
And he willing to spend time with me when I'm at HK.
Already feel really thankful for that :).
Never imagine if we can see each other again.
Really can't wait for it :).

I'll go to HK with my mom.
I was asked my passport from her and said if I will fly to HK.
Then my mom excitedly said she will go with me.
To be honest it was unexpected bc I was asking her to accompany me to Bangkok but she said "mama didn't feel like want to go for overseas trip now".
But I said I'll go to hk, she is suddenly excited (-_-).
How could I say no to her.
So yeah, that's why I go to hk with my mom :).

Life is such a rollercoaster right?
I have lot of problem in my life but I will try to fix it one by one.

PS: I cough like crazy now. Already take medicine n ginger tea daily. Buy still coughing (T_T).

Rabu, 28 Juni 2017

Expectation

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Sleepover at Nani house last night.
And we talk + sharing about many things.
There's things that I actually never really talk with anyone.
We talk about life, about Mr. Ip, and many more.

Rita n Nani are always be my best friend.
Kind of friends that we might not see each other much but whenever we met it's like there were no distance or time off between us.
I rarely talk or texted them, they are very crazily busy.
Like, I was always said I'm busy and they are more busy than me.
But we always be friends.

I don't know if I ever say it but actually I'm a very introvert person.
I never really talk about heavy and deep things with my friends.
I usually just keep everything by my self.
Even if I write a lot about Mr Ip here but I never really talk about him to my friends.
But last night, I talked a lot with Nani.

I never say this here but I find that Nani n Mr Ip have a similar way to think.
And since they both are similar, now I can understand things more.

Me and Mr Ip, we argue a lot.
We also fighting a lot.
I used to think and blamed all on him.
But actually, I have a big part on why we always fighting with each other.
I was don't understand it but now I understand what's wrong with us.
Now everything seems being very clear.
And I can understand more why he did what he did.

I need a very long time to finally understand everything.
In fact I need 3 years before I understand it.
But better late than nothing right :p.

I told Mr Ip if I want talk to him tonight.
I just want to say sorry and apologize.
I just realized if all this time I being very emotional toward him, I angry a lot, I always argue on everything that he said to me, I never really did his advice, I never really listen on him, I just being stubborn.
I want to personally say sorry for him and really mean it.
That's why I said I want to call him not by texted.
Because I wish he can feel if I sincerely say it more by talking not by texting.

Nani always said that I'm very similar with her sister.
And they never really agree with stuff.
Nani is never like to really explain and her sister never want to listen.
That's what happened on me and Mr ip.
He was never explain enough to make me
Understand and I never really try to listen & understand him.
Which in the end we always fight and argue.

I don't want to argue nor fighting with him anymore.
I want to change to be better person.
Like really try change because it's my weakness and I want to improve.

I believe if I can change n improve, everything surround me will be more positive.
I don't want stuck to be a same person.

Another thing, I have something that I need to ask Mr Ip later on the weekend.
For him it will be just a question but for me different.
His answer for this question will be a life changing for me.
I already decided to be brave and do this.
But my action on this will be very different based by his answer.
Still any of his answer will be a life changing for me and maybe for him too.

I used to be always hesitate and scared of this n that.
But I am no longer hesitate.
Because it is important for me and I have to time to keep being hesitate.

I will write later what the result here and what his answer n what decision that I made based on his answer.

Oh btw, don't thinking or imagine I will asking crazy questions.
My question is a very simple one.
But it will be a life changing for me :).