Kamis, 22 Juni 2017

Beautiful Life

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It's been a while since I writing here.
Nothing really happen lately.

I have a short trip last weekend.
Walking and walking and walking a lot during the trip till my leg gave up.
For a while I feel happy and alive.

Now, I feel fine.
To be honest I feel like emotionless lately.
Not that I feel sad or happy.
Just feel nothing.
Sometimes I feel lonely and empty, but it is only for a while.
Mostly, I feel nothing.

My long holiday, I will over it soon.
I'll seriously find new job next week.
It's been a month since I quit my job.

I was always feel very tired and never really get rest.
I was feel overwhelmed with everything that happened.
But now I feel ready to moving forward.
For every heart ache, every disappointment, every bad things that happen, I already forgive everything and moving on.

I will not able to forget what was happened.
Be it in my personal life or my work.
I will not looking back anymore and moving forward.
I used to say this things but never really can do it because I was never really make peace with my self.
I was still full with anger and sadness.
Now my heart feels lighter and it's time to moving on.

Next month is my 29th b'day.
Last year on my bday I pray that I could heal the wound and be happy.
I still remember last year on my bday my ex talk with me all night, for a moment I feel happy and not afraid for looking into future.

This year, there will be no long call all night anymore.
But I'll be fine.
I believe if there will be another kind of happiness that come to me.

Mr Ip said he will send me a birthday present.
For 4 years I know him, he only sent me b'day present once.
That was long time before his trip that change everything.
But still I feel really grateful for it.

He doesn't have to do anything for me actually.
If he want he can just disappear like a wind.
Because I'm nobody and he don't have to be kind at me. But he never really leave, he always be there when I need him.

I feel really thankful for that. I said thank you many times to him, I said if I appreciate things that he did for me many times. But I don't know if my words can reach his hear or not. I don't know if he understands how much I feel thankful for everything or not.

Our relation now is good.
At least, I can talk with him without feeling hurts.
He still being insensitive many times, but I can't do anything.
I don't want to keep saying negative things when we already have good relation like now.

He can be really sweet sometimes.
But he can be cold another time.
For now, I don't really know how to reach him.
Before, everything is easier.
If I miss him, I will just call him and say if I miss him.
Now, I can't.
I can't just call him if I have no reason to call.
I can't text him if I have no reason.
I don't want to disturb him more.
Because I know if I disturb him a lot.

I mean, I know how it feels when a person keep text you when you don't even really want to talk to that person.
I did ignored people text because I feel it is annoying.
I got a "good morning" text every morning, every weekend non stop asking me out for movie or dinner, exc.
I just don't feel it and I feel it is annoying, that's why I ignore it.
Because I don't have a heart to say no and hurt that person feeling.

I don't want to make Mr Ip to feel the same way.
That's why I'm not call him or text him without any reason.
I don't want him to feel annoyed at me.
As I know he have his own life now.

It's ok.
We don't have to talk every single day, as long as we are good.
Because that's what really mattered.
If he want to talk, I will always be here.
But I don't have any privilege to ask what happened in his life anymore.
As I'm not a part of his life anymore.
I just wish if everything will be good always.

You know what, I still think if I'm weird.
Everytime I write about him here then I will end up writing while crying.
I really don't know why I always cry.
No, this time he is not hurt me.
But I still crying while writing and thinking about him.
Maybe because he is very close in my heart.

Last night I text him:
Thank you.
I miss you so much.
Good night.
I love you.

I text him in hangul so he can't read it and he doesn't understand what I say.
I just want to say all of that.
I want to say what in my heart directly.
He doesn't have to understand it.
To say it directly like I used to, it's already make me feel happy.


It's a beautiful life.
Thought I have a lot up and down in my life but I really thankful for this life.
Thankful for everything that I have.

Kamis, 15 Juni 2017

Bear

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Did I ever say here if I often call Mr Ip "bear"?
Hmm...maybe not.

I often call him bear or baby bear because he is tall and big like bear.
If you know cartoon Marsha n the bear, nah he is my real life bear :).

I don't know why but he make me feel safe with him.

We are not always in good terms.
He can be very insensitive sometimes.
And it make feel upset at him because he can't understand me.
But in the end of the day, he also a person who always support me when I'm down.

I often thinking, maybe all this time I just being selfish.
I mean, he make mistake that's fact.
But sometimes I being selfish about it too.

For anyone who questioning why I'm not fly to HK when now I have time.
My reason is I feel unsure.

Last time I don't know if he back together with his GF so I think it is ok for me to be there.
But after I find out they back together, I feel it's not appropriate.

I'm not a bad person.
I can imagine how it feels if she find out I fly to HK and live at his house when I'm there (his parents house).
It's​ not a nice things.

I always said I love him and love shouldn't be selfish.
That's why I don't want his GF have bad impression about me.

If you ask me how much I want to see him, I want to see him badly.
But i just feel unsure.
And he is not always at HK anyway.
It will feel awkward if I'm at his house when he is not even there.
I mean, it make me feels like I'm being a burden for his family.

Another reason is because of my mom.
I can be just don't care and fly there.
But my mom will be anxious.

That's why I was say to him if I want him to pick me up.
Which I know for sure, he can't.
I know he doesn't have leave yet till at least next year.

Why I ask him to come is not for me, but for my mom.
So she can feel secure, because she know I'll be ok there.

Deep inside my heart I have fear.
I don't know how if I really see him.
Last time I saw him was 3 years ago.
And a lot of things happened after it.
I don't know if he still the same person that I remember or not.
I don't know if he still my baby bear or not.
I really don't know and it scares me.

I remember used to say that I may scared about many things in this world.
I sacred of high, I scared of dark, I scared of insects, exc.
But there's one thing that I was not scared, him.
But now, idk if I see him will I still feel that way.

I have a lot of questions in my head if it is about him.

BTW, blogging is really good therapy.
I can't talk about this stuff to anyone.
I never really talk about what I feel to Mr Ip either.
And I will feel embarrassed if he know about all stuff that I write here.
I mean, I sound very emotional here right...haha.
But yeah, often when I write here  I can't control my self and end up cry.

Be it about Mr ip or about my work, whenever I can't take it anymore then I will start writing.
And let my self cry while writing.
Crying not makes anything better but my heart feels better at least :p.

I need to sleep now.
Wake up early tomorrow, will go to jogja with morning train.

I will write there of WiFi work well.

Nite.

Rabu, 14 Juni 2017

Last minute trip plan

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I'm very busy this week.

So I was asked my family if they want to go to bandung for short trip this weekend.
My mom is ok, my dad didn't really interested, my brother not sure.
Short story it is cancelled.

Then at Sunday I saw a promo ticket from Yogyakarta to Surabaya.
It is very cheap only around USD 20.
I asked my family if they want go to yogya and everyone is ok.

So I spend this week with booking ticket, booking hotel, making itinerary, find rent car.
I slept late every night to finish all of that.

Booking ticket is easy.
But choosing hotel is another story.
I'm looking hotel around malioboro or train station tugu.
Main reason is because it is easier to walk around if I book hotel at that area.
So after so many browsing, I have 3 option.
First hotel literally in front of station, second is 10 minutes walk from station, third is literally at malioboro.

I eliminate the third one because I find if that hotel is haunted.
So no, thanks.
Even if it is actually cheap for 4 stars hotel.
I want to release stress, not going to have more stress by staying there.

So I asked my brother and he choose the second one.
It is quite nice from the picture but let's see if it is as nice as its picture.

Last time I booked hotel at banyuwangi for our holiday trip last year, it is disaster.
Room is not as good as their pictures.
Quite expensive for its facility.
Breakfast not good either.
Well, learn from mistake so I let my brother choose now.
So if anything happened, it's not only on me..hahaha.

As for itinerary, quite difficult.
My grandma is at our house now so we bring her in this trip.
She is very excited for this trip.
She even already choosing which hat that she will wear for the trip...kkk.
Yes, she can be very cute sometimes.

My grandma is 80 y.o this year.
She still very healthy and we all greatful for it.
But no matter how healthy she is, still she have limit.
So I try to make itinerary that enjoyable for her too.

My grandma get through so many hardship when she was young.
My grandpa passed away when she was 30 y.o.
She never married again.
And she take care my mom and my aunt by herself.
They were very poor after my grandpa passed away.
People look down at them, people even often saying hurtful words to them bc they were poor.

I don't have much.
But I want to make my grandma happy.
I only can take her to eat good food, take her for trip.
But it's nothing than how thankful I am that she give me the best mom in the world.
My mom is a super woman, I love her so much.

One day if I'm old, I wish my grandchild will love me the way I love my grandma.
I didn't ask much, but as long as my grandchildren visit me regularly then I will feel happy.
When you old, you didn't need much anymore.
Seeing your kids and grandchildren happy is already make you feel happy.

There's some pretty place at yogya that I never been before.
But mostly that place is in the mountain and have a lot of steps.
I don't think it is suitable for my grandma.
So I just eliminate every place with steps.

And actually there's a lot of pretty beach.
I love love love beach.
I love being in the sunshine, playing in the water.
I just love it a lot.
But.....
No beaches in this trip.
Simply because I see my schedule and I will got my period during my trip.
So since I can't play in the water and stuff, no beaches...haha.

Oh if any of you curious, I'm not wearing tampon.
I only wearing pads.
I heard many scary stories about people can't take their tampon out then need to go to doctor to get it off.
Hmm...no. I will be loyal with pads for now.

Today I'm busy packing.
Already packing my clothes but not yet pack my skincare and make up.
I just wash my brushes tonight and will pack when it dry tomorrow.

I'm not going to bring much make up.
I'm not doing crazy make up on trip.
I just need some protection from the sun, so bb cream and sunblock is important.
I need to focus on skincare more because my skin still horrible now.
Plus whenever I'm on trip, my skin always got problem.
I need to carry full range of skincare including my sheet mask.
And lip balm too, my lips always chaps on trip.
Idk why but it is always happen.

I feel happy with this trip.
It's been a while since we have a trip.
Being with family, spend time together, make memories, it is very valuable.

Yes, we can call ourselves as adult.
But it never means that we can be selfish and neglected our family.
After all, you being who you are because of your family.
Imagine if you grow up in another family, maybe you won't be who you are today.

So I never can take when people ask me to be selfish and think about my self because I'm an "adult" now.
I can be me bc of my parents.
If they not sent me to good school, if they not supporting me, I won't be who I am today.

Parents not always right, it is true.
But doesn't means that they always wrong.
After all they live longer that us and have more experiences.
We can always consider their opinion.
They can't decide for us, but they still can give us advise and opinion.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now.
Tomorrow will accompany my mom to salon.
She want to get haircut but won't go if I'm not going with her (-_-).

Good nite everyone.
Spread love everyday.

Selasa, 13 Juni 2017

Bestfriend

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I talked with my best friend Riyana today.
It's been a while since I really talk with her.

Riyana is my bestfriend since middle school.
I know her for 18 years.
I met her when I was 11 y.o, first year of middle school.

She is one of very few people who can understand me.
I have so many memories with her.
When I was sad, I used to just walk to her house then we will walk to park near our house and talk.
When I back to home, I feel fine and not sad anymore.

She live at semarang now and I live at Surabaya.
I didn't see her for 6 years I think.
Last time I met her was 2011 if I'm not mistaken.

We talked a lot today.
And I feel bad that I'm not being there for her now.
She getting through a very hard things in her life now.
Something that I never even imagine before.

All I can do just supporting and encourage her from a far.
Even if deep in my heart, I really want to hug her.
She is such a strong woman, I really proud of her.

I told her that I will always be here if she need me.
No matter if it is day or night, she can talk to me anytime.
For me, she is my best friend and I love her a lot.
Even if I live far from her but she is near in my heart.
We may not talk everyday, she is busy and I'm busy.
But I will always be the same for her.
If she need me, I will always have time.
And it is me, she doesn't need to feel embarrassed.
No matter how bad it is, I will never judge her.
As I know no matter how bad it is, she will never judge me.

I talk a lot of my other friends in this blog.
But I never really talk about Riyana.
In fact, she knows everything about me.
I always be real at her, I don't need to pretend.
I can still smiling in front of people even if my heart bleeding.
But I always being honest at her, bc I trust her.

She is understand me.
She knows even if I may looks very tough
but inside my heart is very soft.
I'm an iron outside but tofu inside :p.

I don't have a lot of people that I really call as friend.
But she is not just a friend for me, she is my best friend.

Sabtu, 10 Juni 2017

Feel like almost passed out

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After a year not working out at all, today I decided to start working out again.
Did pilates via pumpup.

It is just 20 minutes but I feel so exhausted.
Sore muscle confirmed for tomorrow.

Imagine when you've been so long not working out.
Your muscle get weaker.

But I decided to start working out daily again like what I used to do at 2015 before I moved at Jakarta.

My motivation back then at 2015 was simply because Mr Ip always said I'm weak n unhealthy.
That's why I was working out.
To shut him up and make a proof if I'm not weak.

Maybe it was just a joke.
But it can be quite irritated when someone keep saying you weak and unhealthy.
I always hate when he make a stereotype that Indonesian girl is weak, based by his experience with his indo friends.

No girl in my family weak.
All my cousin give birth to their child in normal way, not C-section.
And they all can take care their husband, their house, their kids well.
Oh not mention that I have cousin that do it all and still working + earn money too.
So no weak blood in my family.

I mean, I never generalized or make stereotype for him by all Chinese guy that I know btw.
If he think he is the only Chinese guy that I ever know, then he is being delusional.
My friend majority is Chinese.
Their friends is also Chinese.
Conclusion, I have more Chinese friends than local Indonesian friends.

I used to not say anything about this (now still not say anything anyway) because I don't want to argue with him.

I know his purpose is good, to make me exercise more.
But sometimes his way make me feel bitter.
He comparing me with Western girl many times.
Said that Asian girl cant do this or that.
Asian girl not like this or that.

You like Western / Latinas more then doesn't matter.
But you don't have to compare people.
Everyone have their good and bad.

If he want to think deeply.
I never compare him to anyone.
Not that I don't have any other guy to be compared to him.
But it is just not fair and I know it can be hurtful to be compared with another person.
I believe people have their own good and bad side.
He have his bad side too but I was never bring it up much, bc I was respect him a lot.

I think just lately I started telling him my real feeling and what I really think about him.
I was shut my mouth off a lot.
Because I won't​ argue and I don't want him to be mad at me.
As I was scared if he will left me.

Now, I have nothing to lose.
Everything clear like a crystal, so I have nothing to hide inside my heart.
I let him to know what I felt for 4 years.
I just want to be more honest with my heart.

Sometimes I feel bad for saying all those things.
Because I don't want him to feel bad and pity me for everything that I feel.
But I just being honest.

He said that I don't want to listen.
I can't denied.
Maybe because he never listen at me for so long times, I start begin not listening on what he said.

If he want to be honest one more time.
For 4 years we know each other, how much he know about me?
I was telling him everything but I guarantee, he barely remember.

Simply because he never really pay attention to what I said.
His head was always busy with another things, with another person.
I was (and maybe always) never be priority for him.

But it's ok.
I finally understand why it is all happened.
And I can understand it.

There was so many bitter feeling.
But I try to keep the good one.
As I want to always remember him as dear person.

He did a lot of good things to.
Always support me.
So I don't want to keep the bitter part but I want to cherish the happy part.

Anyway back to exercise topic.
Now my motivation more to being healthy.
I totally aware that it's not good to let my body on sleep mode like this.
I need to work out to be healthy.

I mean, even if my weight same with before I went to Jakarta but I do feel I'm heavier now.
I hold my niece for an hour and in the next day my arm is sore.
That's insane.

So that's why I start work out.
To be healthy and if possible have a good body then bonus lah.
Well, I'm naturally skinny so no matter what I'm not going to be a girl with sexy body...hahaha.
At least I'm thankful that I have a good ass and boobs.
Everyone said even if I have quite big boobs for skinny girl...hahaha.

It's genetic lor....
You all need to see my grandma and my mom body when they young.
I'm nothing than them...haha.

Ok, so now I'll go to shower.
And will drink plenty water before sleep.

Good nite people.