Kamis, 15 Juni 2017

Bear

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Did I ever say here if I often call Mr Ip "bear"?
Hmm...maybe not.

I often call him bear or baby bear because he is tall and big like bear.
If you know cartoon Marsha n the bear, nah he is my real life bear :).

I don't know why but he make me feel safe with him.

We are not always in good terms.
He can be very insensitive sometimes.
And it make feel upset at him because he can't understand me.
But in the end of the day, he also a person who always support me when I'm down.

I often thinking, maybe all this time I just being selfish.
I mean, he make mistake that's fact.
But sometimes I being selfish about it too.

For anyone who questioning why I'm not fly to HK when now I have time.
My reason is I feel unsure.

Last time I don't know if he back together with his GF so I think it is ok for me to be there.
But after I find out they back together, I feel it's not appropriate.

I'm not a bad person.
I can imagine how it feels if she find out I fly to HK and live at his house when I'm there (his parents house).
It's​ not a nice things.

I always said I love him and love shouldn't be selfish.
That's why I don't want his GF have bad impression about me.

If you ask me how much I want to see him, I want to see him badly.
But i just feel unsure.
And he is not always at HK anyway.
It will feel awkward if I'm at his house when he is not even there.
I mean, it make me feels like I'm being a burden for his family.

Another reason is because of my mom.
I can be just don't care and fly there.
But my mom will be anxious.

That's why I was say to him if I want him to pick me up.
Which I know for sure, he can't.
I know he doesn't have leave yet till at least next year.

Why I ask him to come is not for me, but for my mom.
So she can feel secure, because she know I'll be ok there.

Deep inside my heart I have fear.
I don't know how if I really see him.
Last time I saw him was 3 years ago.
And a lot of things happened after it.
I don't know if he still the same person that I remember or not.
I don't know if he still my baby bear or not.
I really don't know and it scares me.

I remember used to say that I may scared about many things in this world.
I sacred of high, I scared of dark, I scared of insects, exc.
But there's one thing that I was not scared, him.
But now, idk if I see him will I still feel that way.

I have a lot of questions in my head if it is about him.

BTW, blogging is really good therapy.
I can't talk about this stuff to anyone.
I never really talk about what I feel to Mr Ip either.
And I will feel embarrassed if he know about all stuff that I write here.
I mean, I sound very emotional here right...haha.
But yeah, often when I write here  I can't control my self and end up cry.

Be it about Mr ip or about my work, whenever I can't take it anymore then I will start writing.
And let my self cry while writing.
Crying not makes anything better but my heart feels better at least :p.

I need to sleep now.
Wake up early tomorrow, will go to jogja with morning train.

I will write there of WiFi work well.

Nite.

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